Strength & Weakness in Leadership

Recently I was an unfortunate witness to one of my family members screaming at her young daughter over a minor incident. As I made an effort to calm things down and try to redirect the uncontrolled volume and ugly words spewing from her mouth as in an attempt to drown her daughter with an angry flood, I came to a realization: I was ashamed of her. Specifically, because she was displaying such great weakness.

A parent screaming at their child. Weak. Now, don't get me wrong. I am absolutely not one of those sad people who feel that children should never be yelled at or punished. In fact, I feel that if you don't teach and discipline your kid you are as negligent as someone who doesn't feed their kid.

Yelling in order to make a point: yes (sometimes). Screaming because you lost your temper and feel the need to "put the kid in their place:" no. Weak.

I call it a display of weakness because that is exactly what it is. I also have a daughter (around the same age as my niece mentioned above), who gets into trouble about as often as any other kid her age. She is not perfect, and I do have to discipline her just like any other parent with an active role in their child's life. In her entire life I have never lost my temper with her.

I have a temper just like anyone else, so how is it I am never even tempted to explode my wrath upon my daughter when she wanders from the righteous path? (Hm, ok. So, today I am feeling a little creative with my wording...)

The reason is that I have no lack of confidence that I am her father. I am an authority in her life that is absolute. Nothing can change who I am to my daughter. Even when she rebels and tries to talk back that will not change. I don't have to scream to get that point across to her. I just have to be consistent. Being calm, consistent, and willing to talk to your child so they understand what they did and how it affects them now and in the future has much more lasting effects than barking at them like a dog.

So, Strength & Weakness.

It is a sign of weakness for an authority figure to feel the need to beat down those beneath them (even verbally). Why? Because they are showing that they need to make great efforts to keep those that follow them in line. When you are arguing with your child (or an employee under you) and you lose your temper and start to say inappropriate things in an irrational way, you are losing their respect. (Even if they don't realize it yet, they will start to think about that more once they are somewhere safe from you, and you will start to lose their loyalty.)

(Please don't confuse arguing with someone beneath you -which is ok, and sometimes necessary- and my example of losing your temper with them -which is a sign of personal weakness-)

True strength is shown through confidence, stability, and the ability to show respect to those you are above. Being a parent (like being a boss) is a leadership position. You will be the example your child follows, your words will be the ones they try to interpret in their lives away from you. Calmly telling a child that what they are doing (or about to do) will lead to punishment, and why- then consistently following up on that is a lot more effective and positive than barking at them when they didn't listen to you in the first place.

For those of you who say that your child won't listen to you when you try to ask them nicely, and then you have to bark at them to get them to obey- you are simply proving my point. Your displays of weakness have eroded your authority. Your child now respects you a lot less than they fear your unstable temperament.

Whether you realize it or not, when you lose your temper it is a sign of insecurity. The sudden burst of anger is a defensive response to something you (maybe subconsciously) don't think you can handle without it. Ever notice how your equals rarely take you seriously when you lose your temper, and you end up having to yell and yell at them (who are now often yelling back) to desperately try to get them to see your point or obey you? All that effort, and you still get better results from simply talking to them with calm confidence.

A lot of this blog is going to be dealing with emotional situations and how I feel they can be better handled. I have a very strict view of emotional responsibility:

We cannot honestly control our feelings. To try to do so is a waste of effort. We are, however, completely responsible for how we REACT to those feelings.

In this case, I am saying that in a moment of weakness you can lose your temper with your child. But you can show true strength by choosing to react to that anger in a constructive way rather than choosing to let it make a barking fool of you in front of your child.