Three Perspectives on a Cup, Part I

When three different people look at the same object, they are actually translating that object in three completely different ways. Sure, they all can agree on some points.

“It’s a cup.” Says one.
“Yup.” Agrees the second.
“Well, duh!” From the third.

From there, though, things don’t always go the same way.

“Its half full, right?”
“Are you kidding? Obviously, it’s half empty!”
“No, he’s right, it is half full- of ACID!”
“What? No, that’s not what I meant. It’s not… aw, forget it!”

Even when people speak a common language, their use of words are colored by how those words were used in their family, and can have slightly different meanings than expected. Most of the time, these different interpretations of a word are very subtle, and will go unnoticed. Sometimes, though, they are big enough to cause an unexpected emotional reaction.

In most families, for example, it is taught that when you do something wrong you apologize by saying, “I’m sorry.” In some of those families this is taught to the child, but never used by the parent, which can lead to the phrase losing its meaning. The child can grow up feeling the need to say, “I’m sorry,” when they make a mistake, but finding themselves unable to accept that same apology from another person because it was never given to them as a child.

In another example, that same phrase may end up being used by the parents with either a sarcastic tone, or without any honesty at all, leading their child to grow up seeing that apologetic phrase as something hostile or insulting.

The way words are translated in a person's family during their childhood is rarely questioned by that person, until they become mature enough to realize that their family is only a small part of the world they live in. Sometimes, even adults don't figure this out, and go through their whole lives thinking people outside their families are rude and hostile even when they obviously aren't.

There is very little that can be done about this when you encounter such a limited person, but if you find yourself being offended or even confused about the things people are saying to you, stop, and compare their words to the things they have done for, to, and in front of you. Let their actions be a guide as how to translate their language. If the person is always looking out for your best interest, and has always been there for you as a friend, then you know that they probably aren't being hostile when they are trying to get a point across to you.

So, the cup. Those three perspectives...

Language barriers, even in the same language, are only part of this story.
To be continued...

Aphorisms I

Truth has no single perception.
It, in its entirety, is never known.
An individual thought among the masses.
A mass of thoughts among the individuals.

"As each star in the night sky is also a daytime sun somewhere else, so are they like truth."

To know this is the first step of Understanding.

Strength & Weakness in Leadership

Recently I was an unfortunate witness to one of my family members screaming at her young daughter over a minor incident. As I made an effort to calm things down and try to redirect the uncontrolled volume and ugly words spewing from her mouth as in an attempt to drown her daughter with an angry flood, I came to a realization: I was ashamed of her. Specifically, because she was displaying such great weakness.

A parent screaming at their child. Weak. Now, don't get me wrong. I am absolutely not one of those sad people who feel that children should never be yelled at or punished. In fact, I feel that if you don't teach and discipline your kid you are as negligent as someone who doesn't feed their kid.

Yelling in order to make a point: yes (sometimes). Screaming because you lost your temper and feel the need to "put the kid in their place:" no. Weak.

I call it a display of weakness because that is exactly what it is. I also have a daughter (around the same age as my niece mentioned above), who gets into trouble about as often as any other kid her age. She is not perfect, and I do have to discipline her just like any other parent with an active role in their child's life. In her entire life I have never lost my temper with her.

I have a temper just like anyone else, so how is it I am never even tempted to explode my wrath upon my daughter when she wanders from the righteous path? (Hm, ok. So, today I am feeling a little creative with my wording...)

The reason is that I have no lack of confidence that I am her father. I am an authority in her life that is absolute. Nothing can change who I am to my daughter. Even when she rebels and tries to talk back that will not change. I don't have to scream to get that point across to her. I just have to be consistent. Being calm, consistent, and willing to talk to your child so they understand what they did and how it affects them now and in the future has much more lasting effects than barking at them like a dog.

So, Strength & Weakness.

It is a sign of weakness for an authority figure to feel the need to beat down those beneath them (even verbally). Why? Because they are showing that they need to make great efforts to keep those that follow them in line. When you are arguing with your child (or an employee under you) and you lose your temper and start to say inappropriate things in an irrational way, you are losing their respect. (Even if they don't realize it yet, they will start to think about that more once they are somewhere safe from you, and you will start to lose their loyalty.)

(Please don't confuse arguing with someone beneath you -which is ok, and sometimes necessary- and my example of losing your temper with them -which is a sign of personal weakness-)

True strength is shown through confidence, stability, and the ability to show respect to those you are above. Being a parent (like being a boss) is a leadership position. You will be the example your child follows, your words will be the ones they try to interpret in their lives away from you. Calmly telling a child that what they are doing (or about to do) will lead to punishment, and why- then consistently following up on that is a lot more effective and positive than barking at them when they didn't listen to you in the first place.

For those of you who say that your child won't listen to you when you try to ask them nicely, and then you have to bark at them to get them to obey- you are simply proving my point. Your displays of weakness have eroded your authority. Your child now respects you a lot less than they fear your unstable temperament.

Whether you realize it or not, when you lose your temper it is a sign of insecurity. The sudden burst of anger is a defensive response to something you (maybe subconsciously) don't think you can handle without it. Ever notice how your equals rarely take you seriously when you lose your temper, and you end up having to yell and yell at them (who are now often yelling back) to desperately try to get them to see your point or obey you? All that effort, and you still get better results from simply talking to them with calm confidence.

A lot of this blog is going to be dealing with emotional situations and how I feel they can be better handled. I have a very strict view of emotional responsibility:

We cannot honestly control our feelings. To try to do so is a waste of effort. We are, however, completely responsible for how we REACT to those feelings.

In this case, I am saying that in a moment of weakness you can lose your temper with your child. But you can show true strength by choosing to react to that anger in a constructive way rather than choosing to let it make a barking fool of you in front of your child.